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Name: tiresmokr New Member   Title: Advice Please...Any is welcome!!

I have been married for just over 12 years. I have a 15 year old daughter (by a previous man but who my current husband has taken over the dad role since she was 2). Both of my children have special needs to some extent. My husband and I have had problems for the last 3-4 years (since my eldest daughter's problems starting to come to the forefront). Since all of the problems have started, I have gained about 60 pounds. For about the last year and a half, my husband has basically stopped being intimate with me...He has no problem going 2-3 months without being intmate (but no problem whacking off which tells me he still has a sex drive) and when I tell him how I feel, he tells me that he doesn't find me as physically attracive and doesn't really enjoy having sex with me. My husband has also stated about 7 times in the last year that he is going to find a place of his own but then when he is no longer angry with me, he says that he meant it at the time but that he no longer meant it. I am so unhappy but I'm scared about being on my own as I am only 32 and hae never lived on my own and I am scared about what life will be like) as well as what a separation/divorce will do to my children. My husband doesn't really participate a lot in the family activities ayway (a good example would be when my youngest daughter was talking about what her wedding would be like (when she's way older of course...LOL!!), she made the comment "If dad is too busy to come, I'll understand). I know that I have my faults and I totally take responsibility for any problems that I have caused...Right now, we have sort of agreed to separate but he won't leave the house and I work from home so can't really leave either. He is now hinting that he thinks that we should try to work things out (but he refuses to go to counselling as he states that it isn't going to change who he is or who I am) but then in the next breathe, he will talk about the houses he has driven by. He has also previously commented that if I try to go after too much child support that he will just ram his car into a tree (which I would never do as I don't think that one party should necessarily benefit more than the other plus I want to set an example for my kids)...I am just so confused right now and would appreciate any advice/support...thanks

Name: singlemommedtodeath New Member

Hi smoke thx for responding to my post of bitterness lol. Well you two have a very serious problem on your hands. From my manly opinion your hubby is in a state of confusion right now. Thus the conflicting statements. Of course I am not a fly on the wall in your home and there are two sides to every story. Is your husband physically attractive to you?
Men are visual oriented. Now I am not harping on your weight gain but it is unhealthy firstly, secondly it is an exremely delicate topic to address. I give hubby a point for being honest with you.

I have a real problem with his disassociation from you and the children. And with a statement like "I'll ram my car into a tree" he just gave you a major red flag that he is unstable mentally. You need to be on extra guard with statements like that and if you dont feel safe - leave.

You two need counseling and regardless of who is or is not at fault if he refuses try its over hun. Dont waste any more time. Oh and you need counseling on your own regardless whether he comes or not. it will help you with all the issues in your life. Make sure you get a good referral from somebody like friend doctor etc. There are some weirdos who think they can help people. Remember the red flags.

Name: tiresmokr New Member

Thanks JustWantOut, your comments are definitely eye opening. My husband is
now stating that he wants to make things work but that I will have to just live with the
fact that there won't be any sex until I lose weight as he is really only physically
attracted to slimmer ladies. I was just thinking about staying as I just want to be
loved so bad but now after reading your comments, I'm not so sure as I don't want to
regret the decision to stay 5 years down the road. I'm lucky in the sense that I do
have a good job and will have no problem supporting myself or children; I'm more
worries about the emotional support that I sometimes receive. He tells me that just
because he doesn't want to have sex with me that it doesn't mean that he doesn't
love or care for me. I sometimes think that if I did lose all of the weight that I needed
to lose and he did want to start having sex with me that I would feel bitterness and
resentment towards him but I don't know. I know that the decision to leave isn't
supposed to be easy but I sure wish it was a lot easier than it is right now. I have
actually started to keep a journal about things that have been said as he
conveniently never seems to remember saying them...Thanks for the advise..I'm
really taking everything in and will most likely have a decision made within the next
2-3 weeks as our house is going up for sale (we had planned on down sizing before
a lot of this came out) and I don't want to purchase another house together until I am
confident that things are going to change (which I really "don't" think they will. I am
also going to look into seeing a counsellor as maybe having someone who isn't
invested in our relationship like our friends and family are will be able to be a little
more honest and will have more insight.

Name: JustWantOut New Member

You sound like me several years ago, and I'm kicking myself now because I waited until now to file. Start puting away a little bit of money as often as you can to get a nest egg for yourself and kids. Open your own savings or checking account. Get a credit card in your own name, and only use it once in a while to build up your own credit. Then really have a heart to heart with yourself - is this the way you want to live the rest of your life? What do you want to teach your kids? Do a lot of internet searching on all the different websites on divorce. Get yourself to a counselor. And go talk to a lawyer. One visit won't cost too much and if you get a good lawyer they will be able to advise you, but don't let them have all the control because then it will cost you big bucks. Start making copies of all the important paers youcan find. Also get copies of any letters or notes he writes regarding "leaving" or anything you can use. And keep a journal of the incidents of his threatening to leave, or smash the car. Not an emotional journal with your thoughts, just the facts. This helps establish a timeline of events. Keep all this in a very safe place. A trusted friend is a blessing. Take one step at a time, and don't give your husband any indication that you are doing all this because he'll try anything to turn it around and use it against you. You are so young. You have your whole life ahead of you and it can be a great one with just you and the kids. I'm past middle age and if I could go back only 5 years, I would have started divorce way back then. Get a support system for yourself. Good luck.

Name: tiresmokr New Member

Thank you Rainyday9...I really appreciate your comments. It is such a confusing
time and we have agreed not to really tell any of our family/friends until our house
goes up for sale. Everytime I tell him how I feel, he usually finds a way to make me
feel that the dissolution of our marriage was my fault, even though he is the one that
has been neglectful. I was hoping to try counselling in which to see if that helps but
he refuses. I am planning on doing a pre-approval for a mortgage but I know that
until we are both no longer residing in the same household that things will be difficult.
Thanks again!!!

Name: wendydiaz1 New Member

uncontested divorce based on mutual consent. you will get a divorce in just 5 working days after we receive all the documents.
both spouses should agree on divorce and at least one should appear in a short hearing in Santo Domingo. www.wdalaw.com

Name: rainyday9 New Member

OMG! Girl you need a lawyer and you should not feel bad about the 60 pounds I bet you could find a man who wouldn't even notice it. It sounds like you need to seriously think about moving on, and yes you need child support the judge will decide what is fair they have guidelines for all that it would not really be your decision. a marriage is supposed to be two people becoming one and complimenting the existence of one another it sounds like he has moved on now you need to as well.

Name: xss500 New Member

Lawyers are available at the court.
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Name: xss500 New Member

I think its better for you to consult a lawyer.
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